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Esquire gives Ashton Kutcher a cock-boost
October 8, 2012
Posted at 11:47 PM


Posted by Lainey
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Ashton Kutcher
Mila Kunis
It’s not that I don’t agree: Mila Kunis is indeed sexy. SUPER sexy. Totally understandable that she’s been named Esquire’s Sexiest Woman Alive. And in doing so, they just gave Ashton Kutcher several more inches to drag along with a limp. Our thoughts are with Demi Moore who just keeps eating it, over and over and over again.

But, as made evident in the accompanying article, Esquire doesn’t give a sh-t who Mila Kunis is dating. Sexiness to the Esquire reader is not dependent on who she may or may not be dating or has dated or even if she’s cheated on anyone. Men don’t judge or grudge that way. In that sense, it’s a much easier process.

Is she hot enough?

She’s definitely hot enough.

It helps too if she can cuss and talk “real”. And be around guys, comfortably, but still look like she likes to ride.

Mila?

For sure.

As opposed to PEOPLE Magazine’s annual Sexiest Man Alive contest where considerations are much more complicated. It’s NOT just whether or not he looks good in underwear. He has to look good in underwear and be faithful to his girl if he has one and if he doesn’t he has to give them hope, even if he’s lying (see George Clooney who actually left open the possibly of marriage and children in 2006, remember??? Click here for a refresher.) The Sexiest Man Alive should also, preferably, limit contact with Angelina Jolie because women will hold that against him. Having some dogs and being a sort-of mama’s boy helps too.

With dudes the criteria is so much simpler: do I want to f-ck her and will I not be annoyed after?

That seems a lot…easier.

Roll your eyes all you want, but there’s a feminist explanation behind that too. Our society still doesn’t allow women to enjoy sex for the sake of enjoying sex. Women can only enjoy sex if love has something to do with it. Which is my major objection to Fifty Shades Of Grey. I’m down with a horny story about submission and domination and nipple clamps and getting lightly whipped, but don’t give it to me wrapped in romance and love because ultimately that becomes about permission and not about experimentation. Oh yeah, let her have her vaginal balls, it’s ok, because it’s a real relationship and not just a connection based purely on physical pleasure.

Anyway, here’s Mila being sexy for Esquire and click here to read the full article in which she speaks beautifully about the immigrant experience and explains how that’s prevented her from getting too precious about being an “actor” while she calls out her peers for calling the paps and staging photos. She also recounts an experience she had with a Hollywood boss who wanted her to have pervy pictures taken for a magazine and when she refused he threatened her career.

Kunis: My career was threatened over me not wanting to do the cover of a magazine.

Esquire: By who?

Kunis: By an executive. Oh, that's not even true. A person higher than an executive. It was like, If you don't do this magazine, you'll never work in this company. I went, "Great." It was the first time that I had someone on the phone tell me that I will never work in this industry again.

Esquire: Did you laugh?

Kunis: I said, "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

Esquire: Which magazine?

Kunis: It wasn't Playboy, but it was a magazine I didn't want to do. It's very simple. I just didn't want to do it. I said I would do that one and that one, just not this one. And this person couldn't accept no. In my twenty-nine years, I've never met someone who lied as much as this person did. You know when little kids look at you with chocolate all over their face, and then you say, "Why did you eat that chocolate?" And they say, "I didn't eat chocolate," and you say, "But you have it on your face." It was worse than that. There are good, honest people who work their asses off and don't reach nearly as much success as this person does.

Esquire: It seems like you just got something off your chest.

Kunis: I never spoke about it, and I did as little interviews as I possibly could. Because why support a project that didn't support me back? People in this industry lie so much, they believe their lies. That's what I learned on that movie. I learned people are assholes and people lie. I think that was the turning point of my career. Where I said no!

It’s subsequently revealed that the movie was Max Payne. Which was distributed by 20th Century Fox. And Tom Rothman, the head of Fox, just stepped down last month, around the time this interview took place. As Deadline reported at the time, Rothman had the reputation “inside and outside Fox that he often ran roughshod over Hollywood reps and talent to preserve the studio’s bottom line. And that he also micromanaged the studio executives and staff so that morale suffered. As a result, he was increasingly unpopular in the film community.”

Yeah, I was disappointed too that it wasn’t Harvey Weinstein.